Torn So Completely(I Predict That You Are A LameWad)

today was really kick ass

went to a party...

Cynthia's birthday party.

Patrick was there, Kristi was there..

Rauin, Ryan, Jesse, Brandon, John, Alex all there.

obviously Natalie was there and Deter came.

video games, nerd-talk, put my hair up in pigtails.

had super sugary snacks and spiked punch.

played Guilty Gear.

kick ass.

i felt...so good.

so now im home and wide awake because i made Madt LoWput's Big Red Heart Attack
(equal parts green Monster energy drink and Mountain Dew Code Red) and i watched Garden State which is seriously the best romantic movie ive ever seen.

which is i guess part of the problem.

i was filled with these feelings...

such hope.

such faith.

such love.

and in the end

Such sap.

those feelings were quickly worn away and i was cut back down to size by my arch-nemesis: Reality.

i am such..i dunno. i feel so...emo...which is sick. i suck. i am so easily affected. i disgust myself.

so here i am now..feeling like complete shit which is how i always feel lately...i dunno..even when i make music now it feels so..hollow. like, it used to make me feel better, but now it just makes me feel good which are two entirely different things.

it's my own damn fault. i got myself all worked up by a damn movie. i should know better than this but i was caught off-gaurd and by surprise. many of you might be thinking that im pretty pathetic, and you're right. i imagine many of you dont even read these if they dont start off well or perhaps at all which is fine; i ask you to ignore me at yr discretion.

at least im really really learning to stand on my own two feet. with Cynthia "on restriction" or "grounded" or whatever ridiculous and arcaic thing her mother has placed on her, with Josh's cell phone out of minutes and with everyone else busy building their lives, i have learned to do the same.

doesn't feel too great..but i guess it kind of does. i mean..im proving to myself that i can make moves completely indpendently of outside support. i may not be HAPPY while i do it, but hell, since when was that ever part of the deal ? the point is, im moving my life ahead on my own. i am..empowered in my isolation. there are no crutches holding me up. i am finally becoming self-sufficient.

in the spirit of this, i have arranged for an audition/jam session/rehearsal i guess with Blaine at his house tomorrow. It's gonna be me on Volks and Gitarr, Natalie on Bass/Groove and Blaine on Rythym/Beat Patrol. i would say that this could potentially be the first practice of the complete Vrypt/my first ever complete band at all in four years but then, i always jynx everything by writing it in here.

so... i'll just leave it at that, but at least im doing something that could move my life not only along, but in the direction i want it to go...

*sigh*

not that you know..this makes me especially happy...

it just..makes me not a loser.

but then, who's to say that anyway right ? chances are, i suck.

like..not even musically speaking..just in general. chances are i am a 'lame-wad' as Josh might say...

so...

fuck.